Over the past week, birds from all parts of the Northeastern United States launched an assault of previously unseen proportions on all parts of Lehigh’s campus.

They are coming...

Students brave enough to travel by night were often greeted with thousands of enemy combatants regularly dropping hazardous projectiles from their strategic perches above the ground.

The resulting mess has left University walkways covered in unsightly ‘graffiti’ and stained many vehicles belonging to both students and faculty.

Even though several of the markings resemble swastikas, President Gast has been slow to label this a ‘hateful incident.’

“We must understand that [the birds'] society operates much differently than ours. They have different cultural values, which sometimes results in misunderstandings when interacting with a different community, such as our own. I am quite confident that the birds did not realize that they were making offensive symbols on our sidewalks. Indeed, one culture’s offensive symbol is another culture’s artwork. Nevertheless, I have asked our VP of Nature Relations to try to speak with them and to find a solution that is amenable to both sides.”

As the administration seeks diplomatic solutions to the threat posed, students may be forced to take matters into their own hands.

Students have begun to wear parkas or carry umbrellas to shield themselves from the bombardment. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, has started to take drastic measures. He set of several rounds of firecrackers to fend off the birds.

So far, Lehigh has been slow to clean up the mess. Even while the campus’s new visage is drastically decreasing prospective student visits, the Lehigh Environmental Advisory Group was able to over ride all attempts to have our sidewalks cleaned.

In a statement issued yesterday, LEAG explained their decision.

“While it is unfortunate that Lehigh students, faculty, and prospective parents and students are forced to walk over fecal matter for most of their time on campus, water is a vital resource and not abundantly available. We feel that such a trivial use of water is deplorable, and have overridden all requests for cleaner, more sanitary walkways.”

With the birds claiming round one and the administration paralyzed, we can only hope that the recent snowstorm will cause the birds to search for other potential targets.

* This article is meant to be a parody of some aspects of Lehigh, as well as a commentary on our currently unsightly sidewalks. All quotes in this article are fabricated.

The Birds

The Birds

Tags: Lehigh

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 6th, 2010 at 10:09 am and is filed under Briefs, Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.