We all know that Lehigh has secrets hidden all around campus. There are those many passageways and underground tunnels that you’ve heard about. There are the rooftop access points, hidden stairwells, and some of those rooms you never knew existed. Personally, I am still hoping to find Asa Packer’s secret bathroom before I leave Lehigh, but such a monumentous discovery  seems unlikely at this point.

Nevertheless, I was able to find something almost as good. There is, in an undisclosed but highly public location, a panel reading “Radiation Control Valve,” shown below (click on image to enlarge).

Shouldn't this be a little more secure? And NOT WIDE OPEN?

What is Lehigh planning? There are a few possibilities:

1. Becoming Green – building a nuclear reactor would make Lehigh carbon-emission free, which would definitely make them stand out among peer institutions.
2. Preparing for the apocalypse – We know the Mayans were on to something going down in 2012, and Lehigh is making sure that its equipped to protect its students, and fight off any zombies that may come calling during the apocalypse.
3. Balancing the budget – Spending $51,00o of tuition per student each year is a challenge. That is, unless you build a nuclear reactor on campus just for kicks.
4. Mislabeling – unfortunately, it is possible that this panel hides a radiator control valve, and that all the valve does is control the heat in the undisclosed building.

Have you found any of Lehigh’s secrets? If so, submit photos or stories to editor@LehighPatriot.com, and let your fellow students know about what Lehigh is hiding. Particularly, if you do hear rumors of Asa Packer’s secret bathroom, please let us know immediately.

NBC and their Olympic coverage team generally provide some of the most extensive sporting event coverage in the world. With literally thousands of hours of footage, it is small wonder that the coverage becomes impersonal at times. Once such instance, found here: http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/assetid=d344b6d1-b25e-442b-b06c-cf2452e122f7.html depicts a very painful crash of American Stacey Cook in a practice run. Viewers see the terrifying crash, and then see Stacey Cook slowly try to sit up but then fall back down. NBC then flashes the rather obvious fact that she did not finish the race, and proceed to show the crash again, this time in slow motion. In the end, viewers are left with no idea how badly she was injured.

She's not moving, but I'm sure she's fine.

Update: Stacey Cook did, in fact, recover from the crash in practice, and ended up finishing in the top 10 overall in the Women’s Downhill event. This was quite an accomplishment, as at least four of the women racing in the finals crashed during the actual race, and did not finish. It was the quickest and most dangerous women’s downhill course in recent Olympics.

Over the past week, birds from all parts of the Northeastern United States launched an assault of previously unseen proportions on all parts of Lehigh’s campus.

They are coming...

Students brave enough to travel by night were often greeted with thousands of enemy combatants regularly dropping hazardous projectiles from their strategic perches above the ground.

The resulting mess has left University walkways covered in unsightly ‘graffiti’ and stained many vehicles belonging to both students and faculty.

Even though several of the markings resemble swastikas, President Gast has been slow to label this a ‘hateful incident.’

“We must understand that [the birds'] society operates much differently than ours. They have different cultural values, which sometimes results in misunderstandings when interacting with a different community, such as our own. I am quite confident that the birds did not realize that they were making offensive symbols on our sidewalks. Indeed, one culture’s offensive symbol is another culture’s artwork. Nevertheless, I have asked our VP of Nature Relations to try to speak with them and to find a solution that is amenable to both sides.”

As the administration seeks diplomatic solutions to the threat posed, students may be forced to take matters into their own hands.

Students have begun to wear parkas or carry umbrellas to shield themselves from the bombardment. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, has started to take drastic measures. He set of several rounds of firecrackers to fend off the birds.

So far, Lehigh has been slow to clean up the mess. Even while the campus’s new visage is drastically decreasing prospective student visits, the Lehigh Environmental Advisory Group was able to over ride all attempts to have our sidewalks cleaned.

In a statement issued yesterday, LEAG explained their decision.

“While it is unfortunate that Lehigh students, faculty, and prospective parents and students are forced to walk over fecal matter for most of their time on campus, water is a vital resource and not abundantly available. We feel that such a trivial use of water is deplorable, and have overridden all requests for cleaner, more sanitary walkways.”

With the birds claiming round one and the administration paralyzed, we can only hope that the recent snowstorm will cause the birds to search for other potential targets.

* This article is meant to be a parody of some aspects of Lehigh, as well as a commentary on our currently unsightly sidewalks. All quotes in this article are fabricated.